Summer rain makes me feel fine

Yesterday, as I was driving over the bridge into Neath, I was struck by its beauty.

I took in the view. Trees blossomed out of the centre of town like a mushroom cloud (the good kind), the windows of the houses on the hill sparkled and shone in the glare of the sun and the river Neath glistened below me.

It's sunny days like yesterday and today that make me glad that I'm a Welshman and living in Neath. Even though I was driving at around 60mph, it felt like time was standing still. As if the world just wanted to stop and take a picture of tranquillity. I've never felt like that in any other part of the world, so maybe I could be forgiven for loving my country. Or maybe I'm a little bit biased, maybe other people from other countries feel exactly the same and can't understand the way I feel...Or maybe I just really like trees?

Ok, so it hasn't got that hardworking glamour of London, the party atmosphere of Manchester or that god awful Bullring like Birmingham has. It's not a big city like Cardiff, or a slightly smaller city like Swansea. It's not even a city at all, like the Vatican City. It's just home and even if I one day move away, I'll always come back. I don't think I'd feel like this if I lived in Port Talbot though.

A friend of mine suggested recently that I turn this into a video blog, as it would be a lot funnier to watch me vocalise these ramblings that spring directly out of my head like those things that aren't jack in the boxes but still jump out at you... you know what I'm talking about, right?

The reason I don't think I will is because firstly I'd have to plan the video which would take away the spontaneous element and generally I find that I'm only really funny if there's another person to be funny to..if indeed I'm funny at all.

Case in point, I will post a conversation I had with a friend on chat earlier this month. It was random, took place over a very short period of time and illustrates just how mental the inside of my head can be on occasion...


Amy
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp
heeeeeeeeelp me
00:36 Me
whats up?
00:36 Amy
i got a 4000 word essay to be in by wednesday
in the library
1200 words down
just need help
00:41 Me
ummmm
cheeeeeeeeeeeeeese
Here’s an introduction
…
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, a lonely planet is under attack from cheesy wotsits.
00:42 Amy
you need to involve a battle with insanity in this story
00:43 Me
The worst of the wotsits is the evil Emperor Quaver.
Emperor Quaver used to work on the side of good, providing healthy delicious snacks for boys and girls.
However, after a bout of manic depression during which he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, Emperor Quaver turned to the dark side
00:44 Amy
wooo i'm loving it
i'm copying and pasting as we type
00:44 Me
and began destroying all of the healthy food snacks that he himself had created.
00:45 Amy
good on him!
00:45 Me
After building a death ray, he began creating a universal superpower with which to wield it…
a great big chocolate wheeto.
00:46 Amy
yum
00:4 6Me
Now one may ask oneself, why would an evil overlord bent on health food destruction house his death ray on a wholemeal cereal bit?
Well the question was posed by one of Quavers minions, a lowly skip
00:47 Amy
brave thing
00:48 Me
and he was promptly lowered into a pool of saliva, in which he fizzed for a bit before becoming soggy and perishing into mush.
00:48 Amy
yuck
00:48 Me
Indeed.
At night, the emperor could sometimes remember what it was like to be good, but the dominant side of his personality was far too powerful to overcome.
00:50 Me
Within a few short months, he had eradicated special k, rice crispies, frubes and petit filous in his concentration camp on Monstermunchicon IV.
00:50 Amy
EVIL!
i'm not on his side anymore
00:51 Me
His methods were particularly vile…
He would put the two races together in a chamber where they would naturally segregate themselves.
Everyone knows, of course, about the mutual hatred between yoghurts and cereals
00:52 Amy
they don't mix well
00:52 Me
Then, he would squeeze the walls together in the chamber, created large yoghurt cereal bars which would go to waste because only hikers eat them.

It was always foretold that a young boy would be able to vanquish the evil emperor
00:54 Amy
its just a myth
00:55 Me
Born to a hula hoop mother and a wagon wheel father, Wagon Hoop Hula Wheel held the hopes of the galaxy on his round shoulders
00:57 Me
A social misfit with a mild case of schizophrenia (some days he liked being called Larry)
All Wagon wanted was parents who could come up with an original name for a child and some friends to play with.
00:59 Me
As he grew older, he learned of a planet where people like him were accepted and lived happily in large clans of 30 or so. Roaming naked, wild and free to eat and drink and do whatever they pleased.
It sounded perfect.
A utopia.
01:01 Me
In order to get there, Wagon had to travel across an asteroid belt and some other nasty stuff.
Wagon packed his belongings and set out on his quest but as he reversed his ship out of the driveway of his house, he ran over Emperor Quaver…
01:03 Me
This story does not have a happy ending, as it is word for word what Larry Matthews told the police when they found him at the Mexican border the following morning.
Prone to delusions and flights of fantasy, as well as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, Larry permanently lived in a fantasy world and simply could not recognise that he had, in fact, just run over the old man who lived up the street

The End


NB. I'd like to apologise to anyone who thought that that story was meant to be a parable about the Nazis or in any way anti-semitic or just a really bad star wars rip off. It wasn't meant to be any of those things, I dislike nazis, I have nothing against Jewish people at all (I know a few and apart from that thing about not eating pork, you guys are alright in my book :D) and I love Star Wars.

The point is that I made the whole thing up as I went along which is why its so utterly bonkers. If I'd been recording it, that tale may never have been told.

Going back to my original point about Welshness and how I love Wales, I've got mixed emotions about leaving it. This summer I'm working in an American summer camp for 10 weeks, teaching young Americans how to make films and use cameras and stuff. I hope the experience helps teach me things as well. Maybe I'll come back more responsible, less mature, wiser, skinnier, healthier and more worldly wise. I just hope that I learn while I'm away and at least I'll have plenty more stories to tell from my journey.

I hope to update you all through this blog, so keep checking back every once in a while.


P.S. If you're looking forward to the World Cup, you might want to check out

http://www.twitter.com/optajoke

Who knows, maybe you'll learn something too

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