Sunday, 23 May 2010

Summer rain makes me feel fine

Yesterday, as I was driving over the bridge into Neath, I was struck by its beauty.

I took in the view. Trees blossomed out of the centre of town like a mushroom cloud (the good kind), the windows of the houses on the hill sparkled and shone in the glare of the sun and the river Neath glistened below me.

It's sunny days like yesterday and today that make me glad that I'm a Welshman and living in Neath. Even though I was driving at around 60mph, it felt like time was standing still. As if the world just wanted to stop and take a picture of tranquillity. I've never felt like that in any other part of the world, so maybe I could be forgiven for loving my country. Or maybe I'm a little bit biased, maybe other people from other countries feel exactly the same and can't understand the way I feel...Or maybe I just really like trees?

Ok, so it hasn't got that hardworking glamour of London, the party atmosphere of Manchester or that god awful Bullring like Birmingham has. It's not a big city like Cardiff, or a slightly smaller city like Swansea. It's not even a city at all, like the Vatican City. It's just home and even if I one day move away, I'll always come back. I don't think I'd feel like this if I lived in Port Talbot though.

A friend of mine suggested recently that I turn this into a video blog, as it would be a lot funnier to watch me vocalise these ramblings that spring directly out of my head like those things that aren't jack in the boxes but still jump out at you... you know what I'm talking about, right?

The reason I don't think I will is because firstly I'd have to plan the video which would take away the spontaneous element and generally I find that I'm only really funny if there's another person to be funny to..if indeed I'm funny at all.

Case in point, I will post a conversation I had with a friend on chat earlier this month. It was random, took place over a very short period of time and illustrates just how mental the inside of my head can be on occasion...


Amy
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp
heeeeeeeeelp me

00:36 Me
whats up?
00:36 Amy
i got a 4000 word essay to be in by wednesday
in the library
1200 words down
just need help

00:41 Me
ummmm
cheeeeeeeeeeeeeese
Here’s an introduction

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, a lonely planet is under attack from cheesy wotsits.
00:42 Amy
you need to involve a battle with insanity in this story

00:43 Me
The worst of the wotsits is the evil Emperor Quaver.
Emperor Quaver used to work on the side of good, providing healthy delicious snacks for boys and girls.
However, after a bout of manic depression during which he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, Emperor Quaver turned to the dark side
00:44 Amy
wooo i'm loving it
i'm copying and pasting as we type

00:44 Me
and began destroying all of the healthy food snacks that he himself had created.
00:45 Amy
good on him!

00:45 Me
After building a death ray, he began creating a universal superpower with which to wield it…
a great big chocolate wheeto.
00:46 Amy
yum

00:4 6Me
Now one may ask oneself, why would an evil overlord bent on health food destruction house his death ray on a wholemeal cereal bit?
Well the question was posed by one of Quavers minions, a lowly skip
00:47 Amy
brave thing

00:48 Me
and he was promptly lowered into a pool of saliva, in which he fizzed for a bit before becoming soggy and perishing into mush.
00:48 Amy
yuck

00:48 Me
Indeed.
At night, the emperor could sometimes remember what it was like to be good, but the dominant side of his personality was far too powerful to overcome.
00:50 Me
Within a few short months, he had eradicated special k, rice crispies, frubes and petit filous in his concentration camp on Monstermunchicon IV.
00:50 Amy
EVIL!
i'm not on his side anymore

00:51 Me
His methods were particularly vile…
He would put the two races together in a chamber where they would naturally segregate themselves.
Everyone knows, of course, about the mutual hatred between yoghurts and cereals
00:52 Amy
they don't mix well

00:52 Me
Then, he would squeeze the walls together in the chamber, created large yoghurt cereal bars which would go to waste because only hikers eat them.

It was always foretold that a young boy would be able to vanquish the evil emperor
00:54 Amy
its just a myth

00:55 Me
Born to a hula hoop mother and a wagon wheel father, Wagon Hoop Hula Wheel held the hopes of the galaxy on his round shoulders
00:57 Me
A social misfit with a mild case of schizophrenia (some days he liked being called Larry)
All Wagon wanted was parents who could come up with an original name for a child and some friends to play with.
00:59 Me
As he grew older, he learned of a planet where people like him were accepted and lived happily in large clans of 30 or so. Roaming naked, wild and free to eat and drink and do whatever they pleased.
It sounded perfect.
A utopia.
01:01 Me
In order to get there, Wagon had to travel across an asteroid belt and some other nasty stuff.
Wagon packed his belongings and set out on his quest but as he reversed his ship out of the driveway of his house, he ran over Emperor Quaver…
01:03 Me
This story does not have a happy ending, as it is word for word what Larry Matthews told the police when they found him at the Mexican border the following morning.
Prone to delusions and flights of fantasy, as well as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, Larry permanently lived in a fantasy world and simply could not recognise that he had, in fact, just run over the old man who lived up the street

The End


NB. I'd like to apologise to anyone who thought that that story was meant to be a parable about the Nazis or in any way anti-semitic or just a really bad star wars rip off. It wasn't meant to be any of those things, I dislike nazis, I have nothing against Jewish people at all (I know a few and apart from that thing about not eating pork, you guys are alright in my book :D) and I love Star Wars.

The point is that I made the whole thing up as I went along which is why its so utterly bonkers. If I'd been recording it, that tale may never have been told.

Going back to my original point about Welshness and how I love Wales, I've got mixed emotions about leaving it. This summer I'm working in an American summer camp for 10 weeks, teaching young Americans how to make films and use cameras and stuff. I hope the experience helps teach me things as well. Maybe I'll come back more responsible, less mature, wiser, skinnier, healthier and more worldly wise. I just hope that I learn while I'm away and at least I'll have plenty more stories to tell from my journey.

I hope to update you all through this blog, so keep checking back every once in a while.


P.S. If you're looking forward to the World Cup, you might want to check out

http://www.twitter.com/optajoke

Who knows, maybe you'll learn something too

x

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Football Manager Story 1

Rock n Roll Gigg – A Bury Tale

As promised, I am reattempting my ambition to take Bury to the heady heights of the English Premier League. My first thrust was foiled by technical issues out of my control but I’m confident that this time, with the right amount of ambition and determination, I can give this a fair old whallop!

I can’t promise that it’ll happen overnight and I can only do so much per day but HERE WE GO!

We begin with the making of me. A 22 year old manager (at the start of the season), I have given myself semi-professional experience as I’m no novice to the world of management (I refer readers to my disastrous attempt at managing Havant and Waterlooville where I was sacked within like 2 months or my far more successful game as manager of Chelsea who are, at time of writing, European champs, premier league champs, fa cup winners, euro super cup winners, league cup winners and Charity shield holders, and I also manage Wales, who are European champions ((fact!)) and have qualified for the world cup 2014.)

I’m introduced to my staff who have numerous suggestions on hiring coaches and loaning players etc. They tell me that Bury are less aggressive and shorter than most of League 2 but are faster, fitter and better dribblers overall.

The board have told me that they expect me to reach the playoffs with the team I have at my disposal, so lets look at what I get to play with.

Goalkeeper: My number one option is Wayne Brown. Our player/coach Neil Cutler is out for 3 to 5 weeks and our strongest replacement is Cameron Belford, though he’s on the transfer list upon my arrival.

Left Back: David Buchanan is first choice by a country mile! Tom Newey is absolutely nowhere in my estimations. Lee Pugh is a promising 17 year old left wing back so he’s likely to get some gametime this season.

Right Back – Paul Scott is the only name that stands out that is able to play in the rb position. Danny Racchi can fill in at wb but I can’t see me using wing backs too much this season. I’ll more than likely favour a 4-4-2. Ryan Barrow is the assistant managers second choice but he’s 17 and frankly, poor for this league. I’ll have to buy in with my meagre means.

Centre Backs – Player coach Efe Sodje, despite his age (36), is still rock solid and will be useful for one more season. Ben Futcher is an aerial dominator while Ryan Cresswell is my first choice sub.

Left Midfield – Michael Jones is the number one contender for the shirt, while Buchanan and Pugh can both play comfortably in midfield. Young Max Harrop will get limited gametime at the tender age of 16.

Right Midfield – With the ambipedal Michael Jones saved for the left, Danny Racchi, Richie Baker and Ryan Lowe will battle it out for the jersey.
Centre Mids – Only one man’s name was nailed to my teamsheet before I started this game but its so long that it nearly fell off the other side. Brian Barry-Murphy, he’s so good they named him thrice, will marshall the centre of the field like a young Patrick Vieira. The creative outlet will come from my playmaker extraordinaire, David Worrall or our loanee from Manchester United, Sam Hewson. Stephen Dawson will provide able support.

Forwards – Tom Elliot is our loanee from Leeds, he’ll likely partner Andy Bishop or Danny Carlton. Andy Morrell may not feature much this season.

So there you have it. I’m still on the scout for players to buy and loan up till the start of the season and we face the likes of Everton, Manchester United and Nottingham Forest in the pre-season friendlies!!


8th July 2009

Bury 3 – Bury Reserves 0
Worrall (1), Hewson (19), Lowe (24)

I’m not Mourinho and certainly not arrogant enough to select my own side for out first friendly against the reserves. Instead I allow my assistant to pick the side and the tactics therein. He went for a 4-4-2, no surprise in goal or in central defence or right but Newey on the left surprised me as I’d have expected Buchanan. He played left mid with Worrall and Hewson in the centre and Baker on the right. Elliot and Lowe played up front.

Worrall was by far the best player on the park, bossing the midfield and supplying goals as well as scoring them. His battle with Hewson this season will be very interesting!

Some big loan deals may be coming our way very soon as well as some very good youngsters!


10th July 2009

Drawn League 1 Oldham in the first round of the League Cup. No worries?!

11th July 2009

Gerardo Bruna has joined from Liverpool on a season long loan while Man City’s Filip Mental will provide keeping support for 6 months.

Bury 0 – 4 Cardiff City
Burke (7), Futcher o.g (13) Chopra (31 & 50)

Very disappointing. Team were unconvincing all over the park and very few players put their names forward. Mentel showed that he’ll be an excellent player for us and Wayne Brown better look out!
Tom Elliot is injured and will be out for 5 to 6 weeks. Damn!

13th July 2009

Ok, time to bring you up to speed on some signings I’ve made.

Richard Rose 26 D RLC £10k
Shane Williams 17 MC Free
Gwion Edwards 16 AM RL £4k
Lukas Stiklakis 18 D C Free

I’m particularly pleased with the signing of Lithuanian under 21 international Lukas. He’s estimated at being worth 40k at the age of 18 and could be one of the buys of the season!

All this means we’ve got around 2k left in the kitty so those are probably the last of the buys unless more bunce rolls in. Some loan moves are still pending.

16th July 2009

Bury 3 – 1 Glenn Hoddle Academy
Lowe (45+1, 67), Williams ( 65) , Fisher (20)

Glenn Hoddle once made ill advised comments about disabled people that I, and many others, did not agree with. I, for instance, have watched football played by blind people and rugby played by people in wheelchairs. Disabled sport is borne out of sheer determination to defy that which, by definition, been taken away from you. I find it admirable, gutsy and classy.

Why am I saying this? Because for the first 30 minutes of this game, 11 blind, deaf and dumb men could have taken to the pitch and Bury wouldn’t have been able to handle them. I do not mean to offend these people, I just think that professional footballers could do a hell of a lot better!

It was an experimental side, sure, but some of them were awful! Richard Rose played like he wanted to warm the bench this year, while Jordan Spence showed why West Ham were happy to send him up north for a season.

Were injuries not an issue, I would probably not pick Ryan Lowe. He’s ageing and Bishop and Elliot are better. However, they’re out for a while and he’s definitely showing he has something to prove. Danny Carlton can pack his bags though, utterly dreadful!

17 year old Shane Williams (I’m a patriot) scored a superb goal but with the talent in the midfield at my disposal, I doubt he’ll get a lot of gametime.


Bury 1 – 4 Everton
Lowe (61), Yobo (7, 57), Cahill (45) Saha (71)


21st July

Bury 1 – 4 Man Utd
Bruna (32), Berbatov (8, 63), Macheda (59) Gibson (76)


Two strong Premiership teams and two almost identical wins. Yobo’s supremacy in the air gave Everton the edge and Berbatov scored an unstoppable goal. I’m disappointed that we couldn’t get closer to victory but two goals in two games is better than I expected and you’ve gotta walk before you can run, as the great man said.

23rd July

Bury 1 - 2 Preston NE
Worrall(27), Chaplow (39), Welbeck (65)

Much better at times, though midfield is still an odd area. Very pleased with some of the new triallists on display, the right back may have done enough, while defensive mid, Emexca Orwubiko is showing himself to be a potential dynamo.

Our newest signing, Vladimir Peralta, 21 from the Dominican Republic could be the missing link for Bury. An AM/F with good distribution, I intend to play him as a deep lying forward to supply for my first choice attacker, whomever that may be. I can officially rule out Andy Morrell. Pre-season has highlighted his lack of pace, accuracy and general decentness.

25th July

Bury 1 – 1 Nottingham Forest
Scott (62), McKenna (22)

Disappointing first half performance but the team showed signs of maturity and came out looking to impress in the second half, as evident by Paul Scott’s well headed goal from a Racchi corner.

30th July

Bury 1 - 2 Ipswich
Worrall (60), McAuley (50) Murphy (74)

It annoys me when managers complain needlessly about goals that should or shouldn’t have been allowed when the evidence is clear. When Alex Ferguson complains that a player should or shouldn’t have been shown a card I’m annoyed. Its not his place to say.
It IS my place to say that I watched Paul Murphy’s 74th minute goal and I KNOW he was offside. Linesmen are only human you say? Build better robots!

End of July and after trialling some hopeful youngsters I’ve co-opted them into the squad. I think we’ve now got a team ready for promotion and beyond. Injuries are on the wane and most players should be ready for the start of the league 2 campaign, including Bishop, though Elliot may take a bit longer than expected.

Only 1 more friendly to go!

Wednesday, 31 March 2010

The longest February (ii)

I'm so lame at this. New update is here though. Huzzah!

I left you hanging on a Thursday night wondering how it could be that any human could consume such a toxic beverage. Cast your mind back; it contained Chinese green tea, Absynthe and Wray and Nephews white overproof rum.

It's difficult to describe in words how it tastes. If you've tasted neat vodka before, you'll recognise the slightly sharp buzz in your mouth that instantly triggers your gag reflex. If you have no gag reflex, odds on, you are a filthy ho.

If you've drunk green tea before (and I hadn't) you will understand the concept of sieving a drink through your teeth. If not, the thing is full of little leaves floating around and making the already tough task of supping on beverage a lot less bearable.

V for Vendetta and OLH didn't seem entirely impressed with it. They spent their time daintily sipping small amounts and complaining that they didn't get dainty little teacups like Cpt. Loom and I did.

He, on the other hand, seemed to almost relish the foul concoction, drinking more than it seemed to me to be physically possible for the human body to withstand.

*Cpt. Loom gained +3 respect*

Anyway, after we decided we'd had enough of this underground shrine to the demons of drink, (it's actually a really nice place though) we headed off to Rock City...



Rock City is full of some of my happiest enduring memories of Nottingham. A regular fixture on a Thursday night in my second year. Many was the night I drank cheeky vimtos until my lips turned red and sang my heart out to Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance and Head Automatica with my best friends. Its where John and Katie first got together and its where OLH and I first got together.

This night, however, did not go as planned after some filthy rotter spiked OLH's drink. At the time, Cpt. Loom and I were unaware. We were dancing by the speakers wondering when the good music was going to start when V4V came over and told me not to worry. Probably not the ideal opener, because I instantly began to worry. When we reached her, she was sat down looking a little bit spaced but she's a strong cookie and after a while shook off the effects well enough to return to the dancefloor.

It's a good job she did, because otherwise we'd never have seen the greatest teenager EVER. This guy, and I shit you not, this guy was kissing a girl. "No, Grav," I hear you say! "Surely he wasn't kissing her, that most rare of nightclub pastimes. You need to get out more!"

Well, let me finish! This awesome chick magnet was kissing the girl in front of him and then he turned around and started kissing the girl behind him. He didn't miss a beat. So sudden was the 'rejection', I felt certain girl 1 would walk away stunned or crying, but NAY! She abided! She waited until he was bored of girl 2 and, sure as eggs come from chicken bums, he turned around and served up another round of tonsil tennis with more confidence than Andy Murray faced with J. Walter Weatherman




I think at one point some guy interrupted him for a moment, just to shake his damn hand to see if any of his frikkin mojo would rub off. The man was simply incredible.

I did get a bit distracted from watching this prince among men for a moment though, as some grinning loon appeared out of nowhere to shake MY hand.

Him: How you doing mate, you alright
Me: Do I know you?
Him: C'mon mate don't be like that. (to my friends, with his arm around me) I've known him ages. We used to be in a band together! (to me) C'mon man, lets do the dance!

And so it was that, in front of OLH, V4V and cpt. Loom, I proceeded to do a rubbish version of David Brent's comic relief dance while he did a similar sort of 'flashdance fused with MC Hammer shit'.

Mental

I went home the next day, readers, and I can say now, honestly, without hesitation, diversion or repetition, that it was one of the most enjoyable weeks of my entire life. Fact! Many thanks go to my wonderful friends Proudy and the Pres, cpt. Loom, V4V, OLH and her very accomodating housemates.

I've probably forgotten loads of other stuff that happened that week, but those were my abridged highlights and its been brilliant writing them down.

Next!

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

The longest February (i)

I must apologise for being so lax on the blogging front. I haven't written in here since the 31st of January for crying out loud, what could be more important??!! Well I've been rather busy running around doing stuff and I'm going to try to tell you about it all with as much detail as my memory allows.

It all started when I lost my job at the end of January. I still keep looking under the sofa to see if its turned up there since the last time I looked but no cigar on that front. Looking back, I had a wonderful time working there and met some truly lovely people but the time came for me to move on and therein came a change of scenery.

Ahhh Nottingham! A home from home! I had already planned to spend time with the wonderful OLH (OLH obviously isn't her name, I just feel its more respectful to peoples privacy not to tell all and sundry who they are if they aren't keen on the idea) and she was obliging enough to allow me to stay at hers. So with accomodation and travel sorted, along with the promise of an incredibly exotic drink (more on that later), I set off.

Got to Nottingham at around 5 on the Monday and within my first hour back in the city, I was annoying people. I'd forgotten OLH's flat number, so after some liberal experimentation with the buzzer system at her building, had a wonderfully brief conversation with a woman who could, quite blatantly, not have cared any less.

Me: Hi is OLH there
Unwelcome neighbour: Theres no OLH here
Me: Sorry, I may have got the wrong flat, its the one on the second floor on the right? What number is that one?
UN: I don't know. Bye

Turns out, she did know. She knew because she lived right next door. Upon learning this, I shouted "FOUND IT" into the hallway before entering the flat.

Tuesday we chilled out for most of the day before heading to revs in the night. I don't recall any major events of note at the moment but it was just lovely to spend time with OLH and her flatmates.

Actually, I've just remembered that I had lunch with the SU President and the Vice President, Student Services. A brilliant lunch in which I found out about pretty much everything thats gone wrong this year and yet still came away feeling jealous I wasn't still living up there being a part of it all.

I believe that that Wednesday will now and forever be known as 'kid in a candy shop' day in OLH's memory as she witnessed my regression into an adult sized child. We'd been out and about shopping in Nottingham when she mentioned a sweet shop that had appeared opposite zavvi, The Barley Twist if your interested.

This is THE old fashioned sweet shop of my dreams. Walls covered in jars full of sweets, of every size, shape, colour and texture imaginable. We debated how we would go about creating our own mix and asked the woman whether she'd help us. Unfortunately, she was not inclined to follow a wild Welshman as he whirled around the shop at a dizzying pace, so instead we were to bring the jars to her.

This seemed pretty fair and we were all set to do this until the proprietor of the store, an old man with a twinkle in his eyes, appeared from the back of the shop to the counter. I felt I was in the prescence of a true disciple of Mr. W. Wonka. The good one played by Gene Wilder, not the eerie Johnny Depp one.













Not content to stand and watch, he followed me everywhere as I gave crucial instructions. "5 of those, a couple of those, 2 no 3 of those, how many of those do you want? ok we'll have 4 of those". Occasionally, my new hero would recommend various products, only so as to give him an excuse to sample their delights himself. How he wasn't a fat, toothless wreck I will never know!

Occasionally, members of my family may read this and so I shall not disclose, dear reader, how much we spent in the Barley Twist that day but never fear! One day, when I'm a fat, toothless wreck I'll still say it was worth every single penny!

That night, OLH persuaded me to watch The Notebook. We'll watch three dvds, she reasoned, one sad, one funny and one weird. So it was that we watched the notebook, russell howard live and coraline that night.

Blogs are about honesty. They are about opening up your very soul to the outside world. Therefore, in the spirit of being brutally honest, I will admit that I DO NOT cry in films! I didn't cry when bambi's mum died. I didn't cry when mufasa died. I came close when Boo got really scared in Monsters Inc. but as a rule I don't cry in films. A fine record spanning over 20 years! (I had no control over the films I watched during the first 2 years of my life but rest assured I was pretty stoic throughout) This fine record however, came to an abrupt halt ten minutes before the end of the Notebook. As shaming as this is, and as crap as the first 113 minutes were, the final 10 were real heartbreakers and I tried very hard not to show any sign of emotion. I failed, epically. Ever the superstar, OLH laughed at me and told me I was being a sissy which, as she later pointed out, if she hadn't done, I may have dissolved in a pool of my own despair. As it happened, I was able to recover quite quickly and proceeded to cry tears of unbridled mirth at the hilarity of Russell Howard. Coraline was weird and we didn't really watch it all. I think we fell asleep at one point.

Thursday I met up with Hermano for a drink and some food. I took him to the barley twist and he loved it.

In the evening, myself, OLH, V for Vendetta and Cpt. Loom (How I come with some of these nicknames is quite brilliant, honestly!) headed out to a bar in the lace market called Coco Tang. Its a great big basement bar which serves, as a main attraction, this!



Please, please, please trust me when I say that this drink is pretty much everything you already think it is.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Sunday, 31 January 2010

Sheep or Cuttlefish?

Just a brief post this as I'm packing for an excursion north...and east. I'm off to Nottingham and there's a very good chance I'll have plenty of amusing anecdotes to tell afterwards. So keep an eye out for some of those next week.

For all you radio buffs who thought that Afan Fm had disappeared off the face of the earth, I bring great tidings.

As of 11am Monday the first of February, Afan FM returns to the airwaves in a triumphant fashion went plenty of pomp and substance and hopefully an olde fashioned town cryer to herald the return of Neath and Port Talbot's radio station par excellence. I'd be quite chuffed if Barry Cryer was called in to do that actually, or even better, Brian Blessed. However, it'll most likely be either Hannah, Hash or Richard, or maybe a combination of two of those three...or maybe all three and that'll do just fine. **

I'm quite looking forward to getting back to presenting again. I do enjoy newsreading but trying to compare the two is like comparing sheep and cuttlefish.


Sheep: Not a Cuttlefish Cuttlefish: Not a Sheep


As you can see, quite a marked difference there.

So normal service will resume next week when I'm back from my antics in Engerland.

PS. 6 NATIONS IS BAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PPS. Any feedback about this blog and suggestions for questions about me that you want answered are not only welcome but the first suggestion gets a free Brian Blessed-ism!

** If you're interested in catching the live return of Afan like a phoenix from the flames (but not like Radio Phoenix in Neath Port Talbot hospital) then go to www.afanfm.co.uk for the deets.

Sunday, 24 January 2010

Down came the Nuts

About Me
Drinks I don't like: Sambuca
Food I don't like: Mushrooms
Average wake up time on a weekday in my current everyday life: 1pm
Favourite Number: 11 or 20
Height: 5'7"

Why have I done this again? I've figured that if I die abruptly and far too early, I wanna go with a bloody good obituary and a remarkably accurate and informative wikipedia entry! Any suggestions for questions you want answered are welcome.

DISCLAIMER: Not all questions will be answered. Answers from texts cost a standard network rate and questions from mobiles will cost considerably more. Questions asked after my early demise (I really am hoping for a long, happy life people!) will not be answered but may still be charged.

Was hesitant to go to the loo in work this week cos there was a massive spiders nest dangling above me. At home, I am considered one of the chief insect extinguishers by my mum and sister because of their irrational fears of moths and their ilk. Curiously, they don't show this same phobia towards butterflies.

Thing is, there's something unsettling about spiders at the best of times. I once had a really big one in my room in the middle of the night that kept making noise and when they're big enough to make a noise, they really do have to go. I had considered catching the critter and releasing him out of the window but he decided to sprint helter skelter into my travelling bag. (I was going somewhere the next day)

After a nervy half hour playing a game I like to call 'removing garments from the bag until the creepy little bastard falls out', the creepy little bastard fell out. As you may be able to guess, my patience and tolerance of creepy crawlies was at an all time low. (it was 2am and I had to be on a train at 9) It was at this point that I took a rolled up Nuts magazine and battered incy wincy to death. It was a brief and, I imagine, painless death because he was flat in miliseconds. Jokes about killing something with my Nuts? You are more than welcome.

So one big spider is pretty bad but the image of a cocoon containing hundreds of little arachnids doesn't sit well with me at all. I think it's the thought of what might happen should it suddenly burst open, showering me in harmless octopeds. I can think of more enjoyable experiences at toilet time.

Moving on from the killing of innocent insects, one of the more embarrassing social faux-pas' happened to me only last night. No, not the street side step dance...

I'd gone out for a drink with Jonny Stu, his fiancé Claire and Lloyd and afterwards Jon dropped me off home. Now as Claire got out of the car to get into the front, I went to give her a hug because they were both back off to Salisbury or Shaftesbury or some place in rural England where they live. The problem arose when I went left for the cheek kiss and she went right. With split seconds and milimeters before Jon would have been legally allowed to kill me, we both stopped abruptly and said awkward goodbyes.

Actually it had the potential to be cripplingly embarrassing but I found it pretty funny. I have no idea what she thinks about it...

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

My 11 albums of the last decade reposted here

After some light prompting by Andy, I've decided to create a list of the albums that have had an impact on my life in the last 10 years.

First some light history: On January 1st 2000, I was 12. My musical knowledge on the advent of the decade was negligible at best, I cared little about the charts and what was popular or what wasn't. I certainly didn't have a specific musical taste to call my own, instead I began borrowing heavily from my brother's steadily growing collection of albums, so my first real exposure to music I liked came from bands like Korn and the Defftones.

Here I present the albums that I have loved and the reasons for which I have loved them. I'll also provide some honourable mentions who could've made it to this list; the first draft contained 17 albums!!!

I'm going to try to do this in no particular order....Here goes!

10) Bleed American - Jimmy Eat World (2001)

I consider J.E.W. to be one of my favourite EVER bands and this album is the reason why. If you don't recognise the title, it'll be because they renamed it following September the 11th not to be controversial. They also renamed the title track to 'Salt Sweat Sugar'. That and 'The Middle' became the two main singles from the album but, for me, its the more overlooked tracks like 'Sweetness', 'Goodbye Sky Harbor' and 'If You Don't Don't' that make this record. Songs with catchy hooks blend seamlessly into soft melodic bubbles of happiness.

9) Anthem - Less Than Jake (2002) *

I'm a sucker for this kind of ska. Its upbeat with a lot of skank. The only difference here is that its been fused with a touch of melancholy. In the perfect world of trombones and saxomophones, something seems amiss in the lyrics. 'The Science of Selling Yourself Short' is athe perfect example.

8) Aha Shake Heartbreak - Kings of Leon (2004)

This came worryingly close to being an album of true excellence (*) but not quite. Nevertheless, this brought my attention to the band that would release one of the best known tracks of 2009. 'Four Kicks', 'The Bucket' and 'King of the Rodeo' do it for me every time. Their sound has changed quite a lot in 5 years, and if I'm completely honest, I prefer them way back when...

7) The War on Errorism - NOFX (2003)

This album is intrinsically linked in my head to Tony Hawks Underground. I first heard Separation of Church and Skate on the game and following my acquisition of said album, I'd play the game on mute and listen to 'Anarchy Camp' and 'We Got Two Jealous Agains', which tells the story of a guy going through a girls record collection to see if they'd be compatible (or i think it is anyway)

6) In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3 - Coheed and Cambria (2003)

There's a certain person I know who once made me a mix CD which featured 'A Favor House Atlantic' - I was sold then (though I took some convincing I was listening to a dude) and I still love the album. 'The Light and the Glass' is beautiful and the end of 'The Crowing' is too.

We're halfway through now and this is NOT as easy as I didn't think it would be.

5) The Black Parade - My Chemical Romance (2006)

This may polarise opinion but when this came out, I listened to it non-stop. I listened at every given opportunity and it annoyed the hell out of long-suffering housemates. I think it's an incredible piece of work. Following their previous album, Three Cheers... wasn't gonna be easy but they hit the mainstream flying. With a new album rumoured soon, following TBP will be their biggest challenge to date.

4) Good Mourning - Alkaline Trio (2003)

A toss up between this and 'From Here To Infirmary', I think GM just edges it. Released in the same year as 'Sing The Sorrow' by AFI so its fair to say the genre I like to refer to as 'Dark' was getting my attention in a big way. Despite lyrics that some may consider disturbing or distasteful, I think AK3 carry it very well and will continue to do so.

3) From Under The Cork Tree - Fall Out Boy (2005) *

"AAAAAAGH I was enjoying the list but then he became so scene"

I knew when I first heard this album that this was only the beginning for FOB and I'm rarely right about these things so imagine my joy as I'm continually proven right. 'Sugar We're Going Down' and 'Dance Dance' are obvious choices but 'Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner' and 'Of All the Gin Joints...' are particular favourites.

2) Hot Fuss - The Killers (2004) *

Undeniable in its class. Brandon Flowers no longer sings about how Jenny was a friend of his, or that somebody told him something or other. Nowadays he's telling the story of the summer I started driving, the sunny days (rare as they were) that I drove around Neath and spent some of the best days of my life just doing nothing. Chilling with my friends and playing handball. Its what music is about for me, ok?

1) Puzzle - Biffy Clyro (2007) *

The whole reason this list was created was because other peoples lists had omitted this gem from their collections. The more I questioned why and the more I pondered my own list, the more I've come to realise that this IS my album of the decade.

'Folding Stars', a homage to Simon Neil's late mother is heart rending as he wrenches 'Eleanor' from his lungs. 'Who's Got a Match' is ridiculous but I love it and 'Living is a Problem...' to this day is unpredictable.

Truly a worthy #1

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

Catalyst - New Found Glory (2004)
A Fever You Can't Sweat Out - Panic! At The Disco (2005)
By The Way - Red Hot Chili Peppers (2002) *
Cheer Up - Reel Big Fish (2002) *
Tell All Your Friends (2002)/Louder Now (2006) - Taking Back Sunday **
Sing The Sorrow - AFI (2003)


NB. I consider an album truly excellent when I like every single song. When each song connects with me and strikes a chord somewhere within. I have highlighted with an * the albums that can consider themselves thus privileged.

NB. There are albums which I have branded truly excellent which have not made the official list. If this puzzles you, make your own list. Sometimes one album can mean so much more to you than another...

Thank you



Post Script: I awoke the following morning in a cold sweat. "How could I have forgotten?" I asked myself.

11) The Green Album - Weezer (2001) *

This is Weezers best ever work by far. A soulful and beautiful record featuring some of their best and most underrated songs. 'Island in The Sun', 'Photograph' and 'O Girlfriend' make up just some of such blinders. Any and all MUST get this album!